I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
