I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
