good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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