Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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