I bet he comes in French.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
