Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
