Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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