He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
