I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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