I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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