Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
