"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
