happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
