And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
