If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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