Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
