i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
