he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You are a genius and a whore.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
