; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
