i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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