My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
