Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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