I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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