I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
