the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
