Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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