well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
