Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
