I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Pants are for mortals
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
