oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
