I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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