I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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