9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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