I seem to have left my pride at pride
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
