Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
