I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
