peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
you had me at cake vodka
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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