that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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