I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
