My sheets look like a crime scene.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
