You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
