my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
