So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
