I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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