im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize