What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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