i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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