I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
