What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize