From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
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Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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