Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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