I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
