When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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