I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
